My Short Lived Happiness.

My Facebook status which I posted on October 4th, 2012.

"Our precious lil angel Sara would have turned 3 today should she still be with us. Happy birthday baby. Al Fatihah. Losing her 3 years ago was devastating. Having to let go of another baby yesterday because of my ectopic pregnancy was equally devastating. To my darling hubby, thank you for rushing to the hospital the moment you touched down from London yesterday to be with me. To my  darling son, thank you for insisting on accompanying Mommy because you wanted to hold Mommy's hands during the procedure. 

Thank you my darlings for being my pillars of strength. 

I'm very sorry things didn't worked out for us this time around. 

Insya-Allah, God willing, there will be another "one" for us. 

I love you both so very much."

I discovered I was pregnant again right after we celebrated Shafiq's 10th birthday. I did three home pregnancy tests just to be sure before I was confident enough to share the wonderful news with Mr Z and Shafiq. The other two persons that I shared the news with was my sister Linda and Rose, my very close friend here in Singapore. I had to tell my sister because I share everything with her and I had to tell Rose because we were in the midst of finalising a weekend trip to Bangkok in November with a few other friends (mommies only trip) and I definitely had to opt out from the trip as I very well wouldn't be able to travel anywhere during the first trimester of pregnancy.

We told nobody else because we were very cautious this time around. We wanted to be really sure that everything was going well with the pregnancy before sharing our joyous news with our immediate family members.

As I was still in the very early stages of pregnancy, I thought I should wait till I was 8 weeks along before going for my first prenatal appointment. But Mr Z told me not to take chances and that I should immediately set an appointment with my doctor. I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor. However, the only available appointment date fell on the date Mr Z was away in London. Mr Z was disappointed that he couldn't accompany me for the first visit but I told him not to worry as there are going to be many more visits where he would definitely need to accompany me.

On the morning of October 2nd, 2012, I went for my first prenatal appointment only to be told that the doctor couldn't see anything when he did the scan. Based on my last menstrual cycle, I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant by then. The doctor then said, probably it's still too early to see anything but he immediately sent me to undergo blood test to see how far along I was. As it was still too early for me to call up Mr Z in London, I called up my friend Rose and told her what happened. She told me to pray, think good thoughts, be strong and Insya-Allah, everything will turned out okay. 

However, I was beginning to have really bad feelings and I became restless through out the day while waiting for the hospital to call me back with the test results. Mr Z immediately called me when he woke up (London time 6am, Singapore time 1.00pm) to find out about my visit to the doctor. I told him that the doctor couldn't see anything but he told me to stay positive and not to worry. 

I got the dreaded call late that afternoon and the results show that my HCG levels were really high and because of the high reading and the fact they couldn't see anything when they did the scan, the doctor suspected that I might be having an ectopic pregnancy. I was asked to come in for a more detailed scan the next morning. 

My heart sank upon hearing the news. In my heart, I was screaming, "why me"??? . I can't go through another loss again. We waited three years for this piece of good news and now this has to happen? How do I tell this to Mr Z and Shafiq? How do I explain this ectopic pregnancy to my son who kept kissing my tummy and saying why must he wait 9 months to see his little baby brother or sister?

I immediately called Mr Z. I broke down and cried and told him what happened. He immediately went online and did his own research and kept sending me links of write-ups about the situation I was in, telling me that there have been so many instances where the doctors were wrong. He kept on saying not to worry, it's just a false alarm, everything will be okay though deep down I inside, I knew things were not going to be okay.

My friend Rose insisted on accompanying me the next day for the doctor's appointment. She held my hand when the doctor confirmed my ectopic pregnancy. She asked questions that I couldn't ask because I was feeling numbed by the news. I am eternally grateful she was there with me as I was not in the right state of mind to be driving back after the appointment. She helped fetched Shafiq from school.

Doctor confirmed the ectopic pregnancy and they found my "baby" in my right fallopian tube. Next course of action;  Injection or surgery?

• Methotrexate is usually the first treatment choice for ending ann early ectopic pregnancy. However, with this form of treatment, regular follow-up blood tests are needed every few days after the injection has been administered. 
• There are different types of surgery for a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Usually, when it is possible, only a slit is made in the fallopian tube. The more severe measure is removing the tube itself.

I had to decide immediately on what to do. I couldn't call up Mr Z to discuss as he was in the air  (literally) at the moment as he was flying back to Singapore. I opted for the injection and the doctor said that they could wait till 5pm that day to have me do it as I explained to him that Mr Z will only touched down at 4pm.

I met Mr Z at the airport later that afternoon and upon seeing my face as he came out to the arrival hall, he knew that the ectopic pregnancy was confirmed. I told him that I had to rush to the hospital and that I'll drop him off at home first because I knew how tiring a 13 hours flight could be, not to mention the jet lag and such. He insisted on driving me to the hospital himself and he wanted to wait with me. On the way to the hospital, we fetched Shafiq from his enrichment class to send him back home first but Shafiq also insisted that he wanted to follow us to the hospital. (By this time Shafiq already knew what happened because I have already explained to him earlier.)

We reached the hospital on the dot at 5pm. The hospital called me up as our car entered the parking to find out my whereabouts. Surprisingly, I was calm throughout the procedure. I didn't even shed a tear. But late that night, when I woke up as I needed to go to the toilet, I heard Mr Z crying and it broke my heart.

I woke up the following morning with a profound sadness in my heart. It was October 4th, 2012, my baby Sara's birthday. She would have been 3 years old, if she was still with us. It was at that moment, that it dawned upon me the loss of 2 precious angels in my life. That was when I started to cry like there was no tomorrow. I kept asking myself why is God testing me this way, over and over again. I know it is very wrong of me to question God's will but I couldn't help myself. 

I then took my wudhu and did my Subuh prayers. I felt more calm after that and I started looking at both Mr Z and Shafiq who was still asleep at the moment and I suddenly felt so blessed. I have a loving and supportive husband and an amazing and wonderful son. I thank you God for these wonderful blessings.

I'm still learning to cope with this recent chapter of our lives. It is never easy losing a baby regardless of the gestation of the baby. I felt the same loss and devastation as I did with Sara. I just hope and pray that God has better plans for us. I am embracing this loss but at the same time I know I have to be strong for my family.

p/s: Today is also a bittersweet day for me. It is my Late Dad's birthday. If he was still with us today, he would be celebrating his 68th birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy. I Love You and I miss you so much. Al Fatihah.