Happy Birthday Sara.

October 4th, 2010. If our lil baby girl was still with us, we would probably be celebrating her 1st birthday today.

Waking up this morning was quite a difficult feat for me as I knew what "today" represents. Since losing Sara last year, it has sort of become like a grieving ritual for me to keep track of how many days has passed since we lost our precious lil girl. 

I did not say anything to Hubby about "today" as I did not want him to be sad. However, before he left for office this morning, he asked me whether I knew what day it was today and before I knew it, he started to cry. I did not break down and cried with him as I wanted to be strong for him. Soon after he left, the flood gates of tears opened and I found myself crying my heart out as I remembered vividly everything that happened from the birth of our daughter, the endless hours spent at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), the heart wrenching feeling we experienced when the doctors confirmed that there's nothing they can do for Sara, holding a lifeless Sara in our hands, making the necessary arrangements for her funeral and finally going back home, no longer pregnant but without a baby to put into the beautiful crib we got her.

Nur Sara Aleesya was born on October 4th, via an emergency C-section, weighing only 1.45kg. and was immediately rushed to the NICU as her vital organs were struggling to function. The doctors suspected that she was suffering from some chromosome disorder and when the test results came back, it was confirmed that Sara has Trisomy 18 (also known as Edward’s Syndrome). The syndrome occurs in approximately one out of every 3,000 to 5,000 births and the doctors explained that babies with Trisomy 18 has a very low survival rate and in Sara’s case, there’s nothing that they can do as her vitals organs were not functioning accordingly. 

She left us on the morning of October 7th, 2009, after managing to hold on for as long as she could so that Daddy, Mommy, Abang Shafiq and the rest of our immediate family members could say our goodbyes.

I have never shared any photos of our Sara because it was too painful for me to look at them, let alone share them with family members and friends. Truth be told, I have never looked at the photos until this very morning. (With the exception of this one lil pic of her which have been stored in my handphone, that I look at every single night before I go to sleep)

As today is a special day in our lives, a day for me to remember that I have been blessed with a beautiful baby daughter, no matter if it was only for a fleeting moment, here are some personal photos that we took to remember her by.

Our lil darling, Nur Sara Aleesya.

The first time I got to hold her in my arms.

Saying goodbye to her was the most difficult thing I ever had to do.

Hubby having his final moments with her 

before we had to prepare her for the funeral.

Happy Birthday my lil princess. We love you, so very much.

Al Fatihah for my lil Angel.