Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha.

Salam and a warm hello from me here in Singapore.

Looks like we won't be be going home to Malaysia after all for Raya Haji. sob,sob.... Sedihlah jugak tak dapat balik but actually Hari Raya Haji ni is more for our para jemaah yang sedang mengerjakan haji di Mekah. I am sure ada di kalangan dear readers, yang mempunyai saudara mara yang sedang mengerjakan haji di tanah suci ketika ini. Semoga mereka semua selamat pergi dan pulang dan mendapat haji mabrur. Amin. 

Insya-Allah, harap-harap both Mr Z and I dapat ke tanah suci suatu hari nanti. Amin.

Salam Aidil Adha daripada kami sekeluarga. 

The photo above was taken during the recent Hari Raya Aidil Fitri. Untuk Raya Haji, recycle baju yang sama aje. :) 

Now I have to figure out what dish to prepare tomorrow for Raya Haji. 

Take care you all. May you all have a wonderful celebration with your loved ones. To those of you driving back to their respective kampungs, do drive safely.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA!

Birthday Breakfast.

Salam and hello dear readers. Apa khabar? Hope all's well and to all mommies celebrating Hari Raya Haji this coming Friday, mesti dah start pening kepala pikirkan nak masak apa pagi Raya nanti. 

We still haven't decided whether we'll be driving back to KL for Raya Haji. Firstly, because Mr Z kata I still need the rest. Dia risau, travel jauh-jauh ni, tak elok for me at the moment. Secondly, next Monday, Shafiq's end of year exams begins. So kalau dah balik beraya kat Malaysia tu, confirmlah tak study untuk exams. Bab-bab exams ni, Mr Z and I memang ada sedikit "kiassu". Shafiq must make sure results semuanya Band 1. Sekolah kat Singapore ni, can be quite stressful. Lebih-lebih lagi, Shafiq is in the top class. Ramai budak-budak in his class yang score 100%. Baru-baru ini, for practice exams, Shafiq only scored 89 for his Maths, Mommy sudah stress!!!

My mom in law is always saying that since we all "anak sorang aje", must make sure dia "menjadi". So kalau results Shafiq teruk, bukan aje Shafiq yang pressure, his mommy lagi pressure!!! Kadang-kadang tu, I pity my son. But if I don't push him now, I takut makin lama, results makin teruk. Nanti by then, too late to do anything. I have a friend who's son has been failing Maths since Primary 3 but she thought, it's okay, still a long way to go before PSLE (Primary 6 exams in Singapore, something like UPSR in Malaysia). Now her son is already finishing Primary 5,which means he'll be sitting for his PSLE next year and he is still failing Maths. Only now, the mother is starting to worry.

Okaylah, enough stressful stories about exams. Let's move on to a happier one. Hari ni, I ada sedikit derhaka. Dah langgar pantang sikit. Kalau my Mom tahu, habislah I. I know I should still be resting at home. Mr Z tak bagi drive so I macam "patah sayap" cannot go anywhere on my own. But my darling friend Rose, came to my rescue and took me out today. hehe..

Actually, it is my friend Shariffah's birthday today. She's a good friend of mine and I didn't tell her what happened to me recently. I bukannya tak nak beritahu dia, but I didn't want to trouble my friends. As it is, those friends who know, tak habis-habis nak tolong I. Imagine if I told her, lagilah ramai kawan yang nak tolong. So I had to dengar her long lecture about keeping her in the dark about my recent ordeal. She said she doesn't just want to be my "happy-happy" friend, she also wants to be there for me di kala susah. She said, susah senang, together. 

Alhamdulillah. I do have many good friends here.

Rose went to fetch Shariffah and then came over to fetch me. We took Shariffah for a birthday breakfast at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Beanstro which is located at The Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands. Actually, it's just a "higher end" Coffee Bean. The menu selection is better than the normal Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf outlets plus a better ambience because the Beanstro overlooks a swirling water fountain and you can see sampans passing by the central canal.

Me and the "birthday girl".

The menu. Pilihlah nak makan apa. Macam-macam ada!!!

I opted for "bangers and mash". 

The caramelised onions on top of the bangers is quite yummy.

The 3 of us. The lady in purple is Rose, my "guardian angel".

In the background, is the central canal whereby you can see sampans passing by.

 If the time is right, you can also see the 

swirling water fountain cascading down from the top.

One final photo for the day. Outside the entrance to Beanstro. 

Whenever we come here, we always choose to sit outside by the canal. 

Much more cooling than inside.

It's a nice place to bring family and friends for breakfast or brunch. They also have all day dining here. The f&b pricing here is pretty reasonable and for muslim customers, this place is halal certified. 

That's all for today. I've got to go now. Once again, a very happy birthday to our dear friend Shariffah. Hope she enjoyed her "birthday breakfast" with us.

Alhamdulillah.

Salam and a warm hello to all. It is Day 5, post surgery and I'm recuperating well. Actually, sudah sampai tahap boring yang amat sangat because asyik terperuk kat rumah. Doctor's advice; no driving, no carrying heavy objects, no house chores, etc, etc... so I find myself with a lot of free time on my hands. I don't need to send Shafiq or fetch him from school as Mr Z will send him in the morning and my two close friends Rose or Mastura will pick him up from school. 

As for groceries and marketing, my Mom went marketing last Saturday with Mr Z before she went home, so my fridge is fully stocked up. My friend Rose keeps sending over fruits and juices. Infact, while I was in the hospital, she send food for Mr Z and Shafiq and stocked up my fridge with fruits and vegetables as she knew my Mom was coming and Mr Z was busy with me at the hospital. She's been a tremendous help and I will always be eternally grateful for all that she has done for me. Another good friend of mine, Erni, (this lovely Indonesian Chinese lady) prepared for me chicken soup with chinese herbs. Terharu I because she took time from her very busy schedule to find halal black chicken for the herbal soup she made me. Another good friend of mine, Mastura, hari-hari pergi pasar cari ikan haruan untuk I. My other friends here in Singapore calls/whatsapps me daily to check on me. I have a pretty good support network here actually and I'm really grateful for that.

Some of the flowers I received. :)

I also received a lot of calls/smses/whatsapps/fb messages from family and friends all over who are constantly checking on me. Received beautiful flowers too. :) I am indeed blessed. Alhamdulillah.

I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday (Oct 25th, 2012) to remove the stitches. Mr Z said that we will only go back to Malaysia for Raya Haji if the doctor says everything is ok with me. So praying and hoping, all goes well at my next checkup. Insya Allah. 

11 Years.

We've known each other for more than 12 years, and married for 11 years now. 

It was our 11th wedding anniversary last Saturday (October 20th, 2012).

Due to recent happenings, we didn't feel like celebrating (plus the fact that I'm not medically fit to celebrate either). 

I just hope he knows how much I love him.

Recuperating.

What's with the above photo of a hospital bed, you wonder? That was exactly where I had to stay for 2 nights a few days ago. 

I had to eventually undergo surgery to remove my "ectopic pregnancy". My pregnancy this time around occurred in my right fallopian tube. This type of ectopic pregnancy is also commonly known as a tubal pregnancy. 

"Consultant 1" suggested that I undergo treatment via injection of a medication called methotrexate to shrink the ectopic pregnancy. He also said that if the methotrexate did not work out, then I would have to undergo a procedure called salpingostomy whereby the egg is removed from the tube without the need to completely remove the affected tube. 

I had to go for regular blood tests in order to determine whether the methotrexate treatment was working. The blood test results on Wednesday (Oct 17th, 2012) was not good and I was then immediately referred to "Consultant 2".

Guess what? In the end, they removed my right fallopian tube. Prior to the surgery, I asked "Consultant 2" whether he's going to completely remove my right tube. He said that in cases where the patients still have 2 fallopian tubes, they will remove the tube with the tubal pregnancy. I told him that I was not having any pains which should mean that my right tube hasn't ruptured, so a simple removal of the egg without the complete removal of the tube should suffice. ( Not trying to be doctor here but I've been reading up a lot about ectopic pregnancies, treatments, procedures, etc.) 

I told him that as it is, with 2 fallopian tubes, I was having a hard time conceiving but "Consultant 2" had the cheek to say, I don't need the tubes as I can always try to conceive via "IVF". 

After the surgery, the doctor said everything was a "mess" inside that they had to remove my right tube.   He said my left tube was normal but the chances of me having another ectopic pregnancy is higher now. I then asked him what about "IVF" as per his earlier suggestion. He said that "IVF" is not possible now due to the "location" of my uterus. All these being said to me, within 4 hours post surgery where I was still recovering from the pain of the procedure. I didn't know whether to cry or scream at "Consultant 2". He could have been a bit more tactful with his choice of words, a bit more understanding of my current situation and waited till I was fully recovered before saying anything.

So here I am at home, recuperating from the surgery and a broken heart, knowing that I might never be able to have another baby again.

My Short Lived Happiness.

My Facebook status which I posted on October 4th, 2012.

"Our precious lil angel Sara would have turned 3 today should she still be with us. Happy birthday baby. Al Fatihah. Losing her 3 years ago was devastating. Having to let go of another baby yesterday because of my ectopic pregnancy was equally devastating. To my darling hubby, thank you for rushing to the hospital the moment you touched down from London yesterday to be with me. To my  darling son, thank you for insisting on accompanying Mommy because you wanted to hold Mommy's hands during the procedure. 

Thank you my darlings for being my pillars of strength. 

I'm very sorry things didn't worked out for us this time around. 

Insya-Allah, God willing, there will be another "one" for us. 

I love you both so very much."

I discovered I was pregnant again right after we celebrated Shafiq's 10th birthday. I did three home pregnancy tests just to be sure before I was confident enough to share the wonderful news with Mr Z and Shafiq. The other two persons that I shared the news with was my sister Linda and Rose, my very close friend here in Singapore. I had to tell my sister because I share everything with her and I had to tell Rose because we were in the midst of finalising a weekend trip to Bangkok in November with a few other friends (mommies only trip) and I definitely had to opt out from the trip as I very well wouldn't be able to travel anywhere during the first trimester of pregnancy.

We told nobody else because we were very cautious this time around. We wanted to be really sure that everything was going well with the pregnancy before sharing our joyous news with our immediate family members.

As I was still in the very early stages of pregnancy, I thought I should wait till I was 8 weeks along before going for my first prenatal appointment. But Mr Z told me not to take chances and that I should immediately set an appointment with my doctor. I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor. However, the only available appointment date fell on the date Mr Z was away in London. Mr Z was disappointed that he couldn't accompany me for the first visit but I told him not to worry as there are going to be many more visits where he would definitely need to accompany me.

On the morning of October 2nd, 2012, I went for my first prenatal appointment only to be told that the doctor couldn't see anything when he did the scan. Based on my last menstrual cycle, I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant by then. The doctor then said, probably it's still too early to see anything but he immediately sent me to undergo blood test to see how far along I was. As it was still too early for me to call up Mr Z in London, I called up my friend Rose and told her what happened. She told me to pray, think good thoughts, be strong and Insya-Allah, everything will turned out okay. 

However, I was beginning to have really bad feelings and I became restless through out the day while waiting for the hospital to call me back with the test results. Mr Z immediately called me when he woke up (London time 6am, Singapore time 1.00pm) to find out about my visit to the doctor. I told him that the doctor couldn't see anything but he told me to stay positive and not to worry. 

I got the dreaded call late that afternoon and the results show that my HCG levels were really high and because of the high reading and the fact they couldn't see anything when they did the scan, the doctor suspected that I might be having an ectopic pregnancy. I was asked to come in for a more detailed scan the next morning. 

My heart sank upon hearing the news. In my heart, I was screaming, "why me"??? . I can't go through another loss again. We waited three years for this piece of good news and now this has to happen? How do I tell this to Mr Z and Shafiq? How do I explain this ectopic pregnancy to my son who kept kissing my tummy and saying why must he wait 9 months to see his little baby brother or sister?

I immediately called Mr Z. I broke down and cried and told him what happened. He immediately went online and did his own research and kept sending me links of write-ups about the situation I was in, telling me that there have been so many instances where the doctors were wrong. He kept on saying not to worry, it's just a false alarm, everything will be okay though deep down I inside, I knew things were not going to be okay.

My friend Rose insisted on accompanying me the next day for the doctor's appointment. She held my hand when the doctor confirmed my ectopic pregnancy. She asked questions that I couldn't ask because I was feeling numbed by the news. I am eternally grateful she was there with me as I was not in the right state of mind to be driving back after the appointment. She helped fetched Shafiq from school.

Doctor confirmed the ectopic pregnancy and they found my "baby" in my right fallopian tube. Next course of action;  Injection or surgery?

• Methotrexate is usually the first treatment choice for ending ann early ectopic pregnancy. However, with this form of treatment, regular follow-up blood tests are needed every few days after the injection has been administered. 
• There are different types of surgery for a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Usually, when it is possible, only a slit is made in the fallopian tube. The more severe measure is removing the tube itself.

I had to decide immediately on what to do. I couldn't call up Mr Z to discuss as he was in the air  (literally) at the moment as he was flying back to Singapore. I opted for the injection and the doctor said that they could wait till 5pm that day to have me do it as I explained to him that Mr Z will only touched down at 4pm.

I met Mr Z at the airport later that afternoon and upon seeing my face as he came out to the arrival hall, he knew that the ectopic pregnancy was confirmed. I told him that I had to rush to the hospital and that I'll drop him off at home first because I knew how tiring a 13 hours flight could be, not to mention the jet lag and such. He insisted on driving me to the hospital himself and he wanted to wait with me. On the way to the hospital, we fetched Shafiq from his enrichment class to send him back home first but Shafiq also insisted that he wanted to follow us to the hospital. (By this time Shafiq already knew what happened because I have already explained to him earlier.)

We reached the hospital on the dot at 5pm. The hospital called me up as our car entered the parking to find out my whereabouts. Surprisingly, I was calm throughout the procedure. I didn't even shed a tear. But late that night, when I woke up as I needed to go to the toilet, I heard Mr Z crying and it broke my heart.

I woke up the following morning with a profound sadness in my heart. It was October 4th, 2012, my baby Sara's birthday. She would have been 3 years old, if she was still with us. It was at that moment, that it dawned upon me the loss of 2 precious angels in my life. That was when I started to cry like there was no tomorrow. I kept asking myself why is God testing me this way, over and over again. I know it is very wrong of me to question God's will but I couldn't help myself. 

I then took my wudhu and did my Subuh prayers. I felt more calm after that and I started looking at both Mr Z and Shafiq who was still asleep at the moment and I suddenly felt so blessed. I have a loving and supportive husband and an amazing and wonderful son. I thank you God for these wonderful blessings.

I'm still learning to cope with this recent chapter of our lives. It is never easy losing a baby regardless of the gestation of the baby. I felt the same loss and devastation as I did with Sara. I just hope and pray that God has better plans for us. I am embracing this loss but at the same time I know I have to be strong for my family.

p/s: Today is also a bittersweet day for me. It is my Late Dad's birthday. If he was still with us today, he would be celebrating his 68th birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy. I Love You and I miss you so much. Al Fatihah.