I was thinking of uploading the remaining pics of our recent Raya but my heart is simply not into it today. What's the point of trying to portray happiness when I simply am not happy?
Things have not been that smooth sailing between Hubby and me these past few days. I guess it could happen to any married couple especially if you have been married for many, many years. Both of us seem to be so angry with each other that the smallest of things could just blow into a big argument between us. I hate the current situation that we're both in at the moment. I hate being mad at him and I hate that he is also mad at me. It's not that I love him any less but I'm just angry. It's not him that I'm angry at, it's ME! I know I'm not making any sense here so just please bear with me.
I admit I am the reason that things are the way it is between Hubby and me at the moment. This need of mine of wanting to have another baby, (okay I admit, it's turning into a crazy obsession) is putting a strain on our relationship. I think Hubby just couldn't take it anymore as all I have been talking about lately is about wanting to have another baby, day in, day out.
Hubby Dearest:
Hubby Dearest:
"I am so sorry Sayang for being the way I have been lately but try to see things from my point of view".
"Sayang, can you really blame me for wanting to have another child so bad that it is all I think about every single minute of the day? I don't think I have ever gotten over the loss of our precious baby girl and up to this very moment, I still blame myself for what happened regardless of what the doctors said. I don't know how people who has lost children deal with the grieve and pain that comes with it because I certainly don't know how. I may portray to family and friends that everything is very okay with me but the truth is, I'm not. I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay because clearly I'm not."
This crazy obsession of wanting to have another baby is maybe my way of trying to let go of the past and moving on to the future. As it is at the moment, I feel like I'm neither here nor there.
It doesn't make things easy for me when my MIL asks me the million dollar question, "Bila Shafiq nak dapat adik lagi?". It doesn't help when Hubby's Aunty asks us " Are you both trying for another one?". It doesn't help when my SIL says things like "What are you guys waiting for?" and "Don't you know how difficult it is to get pregnant at your age?". I know she meant well but I sure do wish she could have been more tactful with the things she said or maybe sugarcoated her words a bit. I may put up a brave front whenever I'm being bombarded with those "questions" but the truth is, it HURTS! It hurts so bad.
I don't know why members of our family are more focussed on asking me about when we plan to have another baby (nope, they do not ask Hubby, it's always ME, hence the added pressure on yours truly.) I am yet to wait for someone from the family to ask me:
- How am I coping?
- Am I doing okay?
Maybe even comfort me by saying things like,
- Don't worry about having another baby as you already have a beautiful son.
I know it's almost going to be a year since we lost her but with the first anniversary of her passing, just a few weeks away, it's not easy. I know it's not easy on Hubby as well.
I know this entry of mine doesn't seem to make any sense but I just needed to let it all out.
To my dearest Hubby, please forgive this crazy wife of yours. I Love You.
strive up :)
ReplyDeleteur late baby would be happy there in the peaceful place, now and always.
i don't know u but i'd always been catching ur updates, u're quite nice in person as my 6th sense told me that.
all the best in everything ya:)
I love you. There is nothing to forgive only so much to look forward to. I understand.
ReplyDeleteHi wεї﹏惟♥.
ReplyDeleteI have always wondered whether they are actually others out there reading my blog besides friends and family members.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me even though we don't know each other. I think I like you especially since your 6th sense told you that I'm quite nice. :D
Please feel free to share your comments or give advice if you happen to catch new updates of this little blog of mine.
I read your profile and saw that you're a student. Wish you all the best with your studies my dear.
Take care. Have a good week ahead.
KaiserSoze:
ReplyDeleteThank you. Here's to looking forward. Cheers!
kenapa yek mulut org mesti mcm ni .. kenapa susah sgt to say nice words instead of soalan yg boleh mengguriskan hati org lain.. apa yg diorang dpt? sigh.
ReplyDeletei ada ramai kawan yg dah sethn 2 kawen tp still xpregnant lg so agak menyampah kalau dgr ada org tanya2 soalan mcm tu. kesian diorang. dalam hati tuhan saje yg tahu. lg plak time raya. mmg dah kene prepare telinga mesti jadik pekak time jumpa sedara mara, mesti ada soalan2 puaka mcm tu.
xpe kak, sabar. at least u already have 1 compared to other people who struggling to get their 1st one. my ex-colleague who has been married for 8 years just get their 1st one on last year. think of the good side, at least shafiq dah sama umur dgn ur marriage :)
btw, jgn pressure. pressure boleh effect pada hormon badan (this is what i read la).
may Allah heard your pray. insyaAllah.
Hi FrH. Lama takde update on your blog. Lama betul you cuti Raya.
ReplyDeleteI was looking forward nak meet you masa pegi rumah baru Zaza on the 3rd day of Raya but your Mom said you were on the way back to Bangi from Kuantan. Kita org pulak rushing nak balik S'pore, kalau tak, sure dapat jumpa. Your Mom said that she's coming 2 S'pore for a relation's wedding in a few months time. You ikutlah your Mom so kita boleh jumpa. :D
Thanks my dear for your prayers. It means a great deal to me. I ni biasalah. Bila time mood okay, okaylah. Bila datang mood giler, memang tak boleh control emotions.
Kesian your friends yg tak dapat2 anak lagi. Kdg2, bila tengah sedih/tension, I say to myself I should be thankful with what God has given me. Some people have it even worse.
Tapi bila dengar sedara mara tengah pregnant, hati rasa sayu. It's not that I'm not happy for them, but sedih mengenangkan nasib diri sendiri yang susah sangat nak pregnant.
You are right. Bila stress, memang boleh effect hormones so lagilah susah nak pregnant.
Tapi macam mana nak buat supaya tak stress??? Sigh....