Six Months.

Six months. It has been exactly six months since the day our little Angel, Nur Sara Aleesya left us. Six months of trying to deal with the loss of our precious little baby girl. Six months of trying to move on with our lives. Six months of telling ourselves that what had happened, happened for a reason. (That God loves her more) Six months of trying to put what transpired on October 7, 2009 behind us. Six months of trying to deal with the sadness, anguish and hurt. Six months of telling our son Shafiq, that his baby sister is in a better place. Six months of trying to come out with the right answers to the “Why”’s and “What If”‘s questions that’s looming in our heads. Six months of telling ourselves that it is not our faults.

Speaking from our own personal experience, losing a child is one of the most painful, most difficult experience that any parent could go through. I have tried to deal with the loss of my baby girl in my own way. (With the constant support of the two men in my life; Hubby and son. Thank you my darlings)

I have discovered that it is okay to experience sudden outburst of emotions when I think about her. (Yes, I still do occasionally burst into tears when I think of her or when I look at all the beautiful things we bought for her knowing that she’ll never be able to use them) Believe it or not, the baby crib we got her is still lying in a corner in our bedroom.  We just couldn’t put the crib away or give away any of the things that we have gotten for Sara.

I have read somewhere that grieving the loss of a child is a life time journey, without any defined guidelines on what is the right or wrong way to grieve. Anybody who has experienced the loss of child will have to deal with it in whatever manner they think is right for them. For me, keeping myself busy with my family and friends is my way of coping with the loss. Blogging about it helps as well (hence this so-called blog of mine) Hubby has also been taking us on a lot of short holiday trips as part of a healing process for the family.

I have been told that the pain I feel over Sara’s loss will eventually start fading given time.

Well, it has been six months and I’m still feeling the pain. However, I can now look back and understand why Sara was taken away from us. I understand that my little Angel was very sick and that no matter how much I wanted her to be able to still be with me at this moment, I did not want her here with me if she has to suffer through life. I know that when she was taken away from us, it was the best time for her to go.

Al Fatihah for my little Sara. Mummy will always love you.